What wine goes with this here critter?

I've eaten critter.

It didn't occur to me until breakfast one morning with my then 5-year-old. I explained how bacon and sausage came from the animal, a conversation reminiscent of an episode of "The Simpsons."

She asked which animals I'd eaten and, after going through the main dinner entrees -- cow, chicken, turkey, pig and lamb -- I started in a list of critters.

To me, a critter is something not typically farm raised. As a son of the Nort'woods (God didn't give out h's in da Nort'woods) I've washed a few critters down my gullet.

So beyond the regular: deer, bear, raccoon, possum, rabbit, squirrel, elk, pheasant, duck and even sandhill crane (sausage from a friend who hunted in South Dakota).

"Dad," she said kind of shocked. "You've eaten the whole woods."

Indeed.

This came to mind recently in a Facebook entry from my friend Kirsten, who apparently passed so many roadkills she felt the need to sing a Mourners' Kaddish. You can follow her here http://buyza.blogspot.com/ and her cool sales shop here http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5371822

So what wines go with the whole woods?

With deer, depending on how it's prepared, I'd say a cabernet or pinot noir. You need something to stand up to what can be a gamey meet -- particularly if it's cut across the bone.

If you're eating raccoon or possum, you're likely quite drunk already. My rule is I'll try anything once. That explains certain scars, broken bones and facial tics. Raccoon and possum remain the most disgusting things I've ever put in my mouth. As they're critters that will eat anything, they taste like fetid garbage. Therefore, I'd suggest starting with a big peppery Zinfandel. Then cut that with some vodka. And nothing nice. Buy some Skol vodka, something you purchase by the gallon. The heat from crappy vodka will cut the garbage flavor and hopefully expunge the night's memories -- as well as several past marriages and a feeling like you failed to accomplish your goals in high school.

Rabbit is a delicacy in some places, but again it has a different taste that needs a bolder flavor like a oaky chardonnay. Squirrel, well, if you're eating squirrel, your favorite whine is, "Pa, I ain't be able to read." If you must, try a Riesling or Gewurztraminer -- both German varietals -- to go with squirrel and then keep repeating a phrase from the philosopher Sgt. Schultz: "I know nussing."

A bold white like a viognier would go well with pheasant but I'll always take a nice red with duck, something like a syrah (shiraz in Australia).

Finally, sandhill crane. A famous Wisconsin poacher once told my newspaper it "tasted like bald eagle." I don't know about that, but it taste like red meat. A cabernet or merlot would do well.

Thankfully I didn't begin to explain to my little girl how many sea critters I'd taken in -- but I don't look forward to trying krill.

Finally, I would avoid road kill. I've known people who don't mind it, but you can't find a wine that stands up to Firestone and asphalt. I've tried.